Basking in Erotic Joy

I’ve reached a new plateau in my erotic exploration. No doubt if you’ve been reading my essays you’ve noticed the confusion in the past year – the jumbling mind seeking the lack. I didn’t think the result would be this good.

Attempting to explain my new perception is like defining God to an atheist. Perhaps the work I produce from this point on will hint into the world I’ve found. It hid itself. It teased me and then vanished like a lover into a Parisian fog, in existence but nowhere to be seen and the heart just crumbles and all you’re left is the memory of your last goodbye, where rose thorns puncture Love.

In order to bring salvation to my erotic spirit, school had to go. School is the killing force of creativity, at least in academics – not the arts. My academic mind needs a break, a long sleep. I’ve gained too much knowledge. If I don’t stop, I’ll miss the romance of springtime as I get caught up in analyzing the why of everything.

The philosophical mind always seeks the answers to the why in life. I think some of those minds get too caught up sometimes in those unanswerable questions. They’re exhilarating to ponder and discuss but at some point, life needs to be lived, not thought about. This is where I’ve come to.

The erotic journey is not an easy one. It tests your faith, strength, and commitment to yourself and to others. It demands attention if it is to flourish and the daily grind makes it almost impossible to harness the magic in eroticism. Add academics to the picture, along with motherhood and one has to wonder where inspiration for eroticism comes from. Personally, mine fled for almost two years. I feared I lost it forever - or at minimum, for the youth I had left in me to enjoy its hypnotism.

I didn’t expect that I would have to strip naked in my beliefs. Its vulnerability made me want to run and take cover, find a robe, a sheet, or at least a pillow upon which I could rest my head and cry. I didn’t cry. I just stood there, numb, lifeless and lost. Paralyzed almost, like a deer in front of headlights.

My last two philosophy classes began the exploration again. For the erotic mind to flourish, one must face oneself with new eyes. There are perceptions locked in our physical domain - our social conditioning - that feels impossible to break free from. Society is a chain and like Sartre said, “People are hell”. A life without eroticism is a life in hell.

Several weeks ago something unusual happenened to me. Perhaps it was simply the coincidence of time but being that I don’t believe in coincidences, I say that only to those who do. I don’t know any more than you do – or at least, I try to keep a neutral stance. Everyone is in a different place in their perception of truth. It’s wise to respect those whose views are different from your own. The only way to lure others into your world is to show them yours. Not everyone will get it. Simply search for those who do. Ignore the rest; they only limit you.

Living in the Frankfurt gloom, when the sun comes out I feel the desire to bask in it. Florida had more of a hold on me than I thought but being a Leo, the sun rules me. My eldest daughter was doing her homework, sunlight reflecting off her pages when she suggested I go for a walk. “It’s so pretty mommy. You said you wanted to walk today if the sun came out. I think you should go”.

Normally I’d make an excuse. It’s a pain in my lazy butt to get the toddler dressed for the cold, warm her bottle, find her shoes, make sure she has a fresh diaper, get myself ready (and stay motivated) only to walk down 3 flights of stairs to get to the stroller in the back of the car. Then I have to use my female body strength (not much) to hold her wiggling body while I maneuver the one handed move of pulling the stroller out of the trunk. This is not easy. So I usually – mid way through – put her down while I finish pulling the stroller out. Somewhere in there the toddler disappears. The stroller crashes to the ground, the diaper bag with it and I run after her before she heads for the street. All this for a little fresh air walk in the sunshine? I’d rather do yoga while she naps.

But some strange desire came over me and I decided it’d be worth the effort. By the time I got all the above done the sun was hazy and the storm clouds began to move in. I sighed when I looked up. Damn, I thought. It’ll rain before I even begin. It didn’t. The walk I planned took me to the next town up and down hills. My butt needed the challenge. The sky was gorgeous that day. Behind me was a clear, deep blue sky while ahead, just beyond the castle in my view, were deep grey clouds. The contrast in light and color were a feat for an artists color palette. I figured I’d walk until my intuition told me to turn around, or until it began to drizzle.

The wind started to pick up but something told me to continue. It won’t rain yet. Almost to my destination it got cold. By then my toddler fell asleep and I was going to turn around but there were a group of people coming my way. If I turned around I would have had them too close to me. I wanted freedom. I like to think out loud – without ears. But around the time I casually found a way to stall my time while they passed me it began to drizzle. Profanity solved that moment of frustration.

As soon as they were at a distance far enough for me to still have my space, I turned back. It began to rain. The wind picked up. Then I heard a strange sound. About 10 minutes into my journey back home I came upon a couple with a dog standing by a line of tall trees which caught my attention. I smiled at them as raindrops ticked my nose and wondered if I should stand with them. Perhaps they knew something I didn’t as they chose to take cover. Something inside me told me to continue but as I passed them I stopped, looked back and wondered why the heck I was moving forward anyway. It would only be a few steps and I wouldn’t be so alone in the rain. I followed my intuition.

The sound got louder. I turned my head back and my eyes widened. “Oh fuck!” Coming towards me was a wall of water. I knew I was in trouble. It was too late to turn back for cover; I walked too far yet I was too distant from the homes that would shelter me. I was stuck out in the middle of a farm field, the castle (symbolic in itself) behind me getting beaten by Nature. I was next.

In a fight of flight response, my legs began to move. Adrenaline pumped through me and I ran with the stroller as quickly as I could. I have to get to shelter! I ran and ran but I could not run more. My lungs couldn’t keep up. Raindrops like missiles, huge, loud and surrounding my space imprisoned me. I didn’t know what to do but run.

The wind was so strong it almost tipped me and the stroller over. In order to save my child from not getting wet I took off my coat and covered her; I needed to keep her safe. I pressed on. The wind was cold and the rain, ice. Each raindrop became a knife cutting into my skin. I have to find shelter. I stopped for a moment and looked around. Nothing. No trees. No homes. No ditch. Nothing in sight I could hide behind. All that I saw was my beautiful landscape covered in terror.

Then out of nowhere a gust of wind came and somehow pushed the stroller from my hands; it started to fall sideways. I freaked. The stroller tipped and my child was swung forward. Her coat and blanket, everything I used to protect her flew into the manure fields. She cried. I attempted to quickly retrieve what had been lost and ran to her before the wind knocked her down and hurt her again. I pressed on and kept running – more determined this time. I had no idea how long the storm would last. Rain wasn’t going to stop me. There was nothing to do, nowhere to go but forward.

I only got a few meters before the pain of the freezing rain was too much and I cried. I felt totally helpless and I thought about the power of Nature and how puny we all are in her wake. We cannot control her. She controls us and it is this Will to Power between her energy and ours that can drive us to the brink of insanity. I grabbed the coat, bent next to my child and covered us both. There was no sense in trying to outrun the storm. It found me. I allowed its force to imprison me.

With some sense of logic back in my brain, we just protected ourselves with all we had: one blanket and one coat and waited. Within a few minutes the horrible sound of the rain subsided. I peeked out into the direction of my town and I faced a clear, deep blue sky again. The sun never left. It was always there, just hidden by clouds. I stood up and let the remnants of the rain fall on my face. It didn’t hurt anymore. And then, I broke down emotionally.

As I cried I wiped the tears but they slimed up with the toxins that sweated through my pours. I just stood there wiping my face until it felt clean. The rain baptized me. I began to laugh one of those hysterical laugh/cry laughs where the emotional centers of the brain are on overdrive and don’t know what to do. My logical mind did. I stood there with my arms out to my side and I spun like a child reborn.

I’ve reached a new dimension in eroticism. The fun now is to bask in it and connect to those who want to know what it’s like. It’s a different world waiting for those who are ready.

Namaste,
Tatiana von Tauber
www.vontauber.com