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Column by B.M.Carter

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On Being An Exotic Dancer

By B.M.Carter

"Etiquette. Some people know what to do in certain situations and some people become as square as saltine crackers. I’m here to help provide some tips on etiquette in relevant (and sometimes not so relevant) scenarios. You might not come upon any of these situations, and use my advice as often as you try to eat those 100-calorie snacks, but knowledge is power. Today’s lesson is the code of behavior while being an exotic dancer. Hey, I said sometimes it wouldn’t be so relevant."

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On Having A Hairy Beau

By B.M.Carter

"Remember Tom Selleck? Remember when he was sexy? Remember when hairy was sexy? What happened? Since when were baby-faced and hairless chests sexy? Why do women today sometimes have to wonder if their legs are hairier than their beaus? Well, I’m here to say I’ve stayed true to the Tom Selleck’s of today and that I love my beau and his hairiness."

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Understanding The Gamer

By B.M.Carter

"Ladies, there is an epidemic. It’s been going on for quite some time, and due to recent events, has grown out of control. What I am speaking of is video games. They are everywhere! And it has turned our men into gamers: hardcore video game players."

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Dancing Know-How

By B.M.Carter

"The last time I was at a dance club, it had been with one of my good girlfriends. I did not realize that it was a gay bar until two hours after being there. I had wondered why the girls were so friendly. I got completely plastered, and when I woke up the next morning, I had a large smudge of raspberry red lipstick on my top right over my left boob. I still to this day do not remember what happened. Just thought I’d share. I do remember being a fiend on the dance floor, and now you can be one too!"

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What Type Of Drunk Is That?

By B.M.Carter

"Do you have a lot of friends that seem to be a little too dependent on alcohol? Their outings on the weekends are going to the bar on a Friday night and a wine walk during the day on Saturday. When you are near them instead of smelling Chanel or Hugo you smell Grey Goose or Bailey’s. On New Year’s Eve, I saw something very interesting for the first time: my boyfriend plastered. And I thought to myself “How do I handle this situation?” as I watched him blow chunks and try to apologize at the same time."

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The Finer Points Of Flirting

By B.M.Carter

"Ever see a guy who is major eye-candy with a voice like sin, but don’t know how to approach him? Instead, you retire to your home and think about said sexiness as you turn on your B.O.B (Battery Operated Boyfriend). Regardless of whether or not you get the guy, I sincerely insist that you get a B.O.B anyway."

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Getting Your Way

By B.M.Carter

"It is one thing to have your beau whipped. It is another thing to have him whipped, and liking it. This is the stage that my honeydew (as in "honey do this" and "honey do that") is at. If his companions tease him about his whipped-ness, their words do not phase him. My friends are constantly retrieving my whip from the floor that I must have accidentally dropped after they watch me ask Gabe to do a task for me. Notice I used the term "ask" and not "tell"."

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Looking At Blind Dates

By B.M.Carter

"Ah, the blind date. The gut-wrenching, nail-biting, “Oh my God, what is he wearing?” blind date. The constant shy aversion of eye contact, the mind-numbing, emptier than a freshly opened pint of some five or six syllable ice cream flavor conversation. The awkward-as-ass silence on your front porch in the dark as you wait for him to do something for heaven’s sake!"

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Don’t Step On Your Step-Children

By B.M.Carter

"Some think of their stepchildren and shudder with horror and/or disgust while others are ecstatic about having a little one to befriend and spoil with no repercussions. To be completely honest, I do a little of both."

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Fight the Habit

By B.M.Carter

"So almost everyone I know has a bad habit. The worst part is the person with said bad habit usually doesn’t know. And you want to tell them, but you don’t want to be rude, or you’re simply not sure how to help."

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